Steel White Table

Here’s a list of some movies I’ve seen this year (taken directly from my IMDb account), along with my rating for each film. 2005 has been the worst year for movies since this millenium began — if you were stuck watching multiplex movies like I have.

This is not a movie review. I don’t like writing them — I don’t like the way they’re written (i.e., they give away too much). Most of the time, I don’t actually care about the plot. If it’s a good movie, that’s all I need to know. When I read a movie review, the first thing I do is check the rating; that informs me how I should read the review. Confession: I used to read tonnes of online reviews, but now I read only those written by James Bernardinelli and Roger Ebert. I disagree with Roger Ebert more often than not, and James almost as much. But I’ve read both of them enough over the years to know when they’re full of crap, and even they are full of it, at least they’re intelligent, articulate, and informed. So I’m able to gage the quality of a movie fairly well from reading their reviews — which brings us back to how I read reviews.

I don’t read movie reviews to be impressed with the writing. Another digression here: James, who writes excellent reviews, has also written some fantasy novels, two of which are posted to his website. This is the last paragraph of the first novel, The Price of the Crown:

An hour later, they were walking back to the village, taking a long, circuitous route that afforded them time to be alone and savor each other’s presence. The stars had emerged overhead, paving the sky with a mosaic of scintillating speckles and marking the end of another idyllic day. No longer was the future a thing of uncertainty and trepidation, not when it could bring moments such as this. Rather, it was something to be approached with eagerness, because out here, away from class distinctions, politics, and burgeoning apathy, the promise of tomorrow was a rare confection of hope.

This is the first sentence from the sequel, The Price of Magic:

It was a hot day in an arid land during a time of dust and death.

I think James is perhaps better off sticking to movie reviews.

So I don’t read these guys for their literary abilities. Simply being literate is fine with me. I use movie reviews — to decide whether or not I’m going to see a film. Yes, I actually do this.

If the reviewer gives the movie a high rating, I’ll begin reading the review, but immediately skip over the parts that involve discussion of the plot (usually two or three paragraphs in the middle of the review). I listen to why they think it’s a good movie: good acting, good story, moody cinematography, whatever. A movie often gets positive reviews for something I don’t care about (e.g., accurate period costumes). But if I have an appreciation for what they’re raving about (e.g., stab ‘em, shoot ‘em, kill ‘em, blood & guts, and blowing up stuff), I’ll considering seeing the movie. (I’ll check to see what kind of rating the movie is getting at Rotten Tomatoes, too — without reading any of the reviews.)

If the reviewer gives the movie a low rating, I’ll check to see if that’s the consensus at Rotten Tomatoes, and if it is, I’ll read the whole review. A negative review usually tells me more about the reviewer than a positive one.

Sometimes I don’t care what any reviewer says, and when I know I’m going to see a movie no matter what, I steer clear of the reviews until I’ve seen the movie. Exciting, isn’t it?

Here are the movies. (Some movies from last year are probably in the list, but I can’t be bothered filtering them out.)

TDBF = Totally dumb, but fun for what it is. A good popcorn movie.
WOR = Way over-rated, or just over-rated.
NGNB = Not good, but not bad. Will develop a cult following.
NHAT = Not a good movie, but I was able to watch it without completely hating it.
CREP = Creepy, but good. Requires second viewing, if you can handle it.
BEST = Possibly better than most of the crap out there.

A History of Violence - 7 (BEST)
Assault on Precinct 13 - 4
Batman Begins - 6 (WOR)
Before Sunset - 7 (BEST)
Birth - 4 (WOR)
Broken Flowers - 8 (BEST)
Cellular - 7 (TDBF)
Cinderella Man - 7
Corpse Bride - 6 (WOR)
Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story - 1
Finding Neverland - 7 (BEST)
Flight of the Phoenix - 5
Flightplan - 6
Garden State - 7
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire - 5
Hellboy - 6
Hidalgo - 5
Hide and Seek - 6 (NHAT)
House of Flying Daggers - 7 (BEST)
I, Robot - 6 (NHAT)
King Kong - 7
Ladder 49 - 3
Maria Full of Grace - 7 (BEST)
Million Dollar Baby - 8 (BEST)
Millions - 7
Mr. & Mrs. Smith - 7 (TDBF)
Napoleon Dynamite - 6 (NGNB)
National Treasure - 6 (NHAT)
Ocean’s Twelve - 7 (TDBF)
Prime - 4
Robots - 7
Ryan - 8 (BEST)
Saint Ralph - 8 (BEST)
Serenity - 7 (NGNB)
Shark Tale - 6
Silver City - 7
Sin City - 8 (BEST)
Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith - 7
The Door in the Floor - 7
The Manchurian Candidate - 7
The Island - 7 (TDBF)
The Incredibles - 7 (WOR)
The Motorcycle Diaries - 7
The Machinist - 7 (CREP/BEST)
The Notebook - 7
The Polar Express - 5
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - 6
The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou - 6 (NGNB)
Walk the Line - 7
White Noise - 5
Wallace & Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit - 7
War of the Worlds - 8 (TDBF)

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