$100 Beer

The 24 bottle case of beer I bought today cost $38.90. I used a hundred dollar bill; sixty-odd change after taxes.

I can’t find the change. It may have fallen out of my pocket in the parking lot.

This better be good beer.

Another Joke

Two Southern ladies, Maribelle and AnneMarie, were sitting on the porch drinking mint juleps. They have the following conversation, best imagined with an upscale Southern drawl:

Maribelle: AnneMarie, do you see this huge diamond ring?

AnneMarie: Yes.

Maribelle: My husband bought this for me.

AnneMarie: Isn’t that special.

Maribelle: Do you see that Jaguar in the parking lot?

AnneMarie: Yes.

Maribelle: My husband bought that for me.

AnneMarie: Isn’t that special.

Maribelle: And you know that mansion I live in?

AnneMarie: Yes.

Maribelle: My husband bought that for me.

AnneMarie: Isn’t that special.

Maribelle: And this plump, ripe tomato I’m about to eat? My husband bought that for me.

AnneMarie: Isn’t that special.

Maribelle: What did your husband buy for you, AnneMarie?

AnneMarie: My husband sent me to finishing school. That’s where I learned to say, “Isn’t that special” instead of “fuck you.”

(via The Dilbert Blog)

(Joke has been changed from the original to keep Phillip happy – see below.)

Saving a Kitty

KITTYThe girl who lives in the apartment next door to us (I’ll call her Beth) has been leaving her cat alone in the apartment for days and days — or at least that’s what I’ve suspected for the past couple months. I just got an email from a friend confirming my suspicions. Beth told my friend that she only goes to the apartment once a week to pick up her mail and feed the cat. Then she leaves.

I’m not an expert, but I do have two cats and I know cats are social animals. They go nuts when they’re left alone for too long. My guess is this cat has been left alone, except for brief contact once a week, for at least the past two months, probably longer. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the life it’s had since it was a kitten (it’s not yet a year old). I’m fairly sure leaving a cat alone unattended for so long constitutes animal cruelty.

Whatever it constitutes, I’m doing something about it. I called our landlord and left a message saying I’m going to take action. I’m calling the SPCA or police or somebody. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I’m doing something.

I’m not a cat person, but I hear the cat crying all the time, and I nearly busted the door down trying to get into the apartment today. I was going to nab the cat and I didn’t give a damn.

Tom’s Special Video

“Tom” is short for tomato. God, this is going to be a great video series. The following video is a sequel to (or a repeat of) this video.

And Tom (which is short for Tommyboy), watch how I prune the tomato plant in this video. Then go out and prune all your tomato plants exactly the same way. Otherwise, you’re likely to have a lot of stupid-looking tomato plants with crappy, unripened tomatoes all over the place (like my crop from last year).