Writing Complaint Letters To Corporations

A Collection Of Letters includes letters written to corporations about sometimes serious but often silly matters; however, because they’re well-written and professional looking, the corporations tend to take them seriously. For example:

…I figure that if you were to include small sealed packets of punctuation marks in your boxes of cereal more adults would find Alpha-Bits more fun and useful and you would sell more cereal. Period.
While I have your attention, I want to make one further observation/suggestion. I asked my friend Geoff to count all the letters in a box of Alpha-Bits cereal, and although he got tired of it and threw it away before he finished the entire box, he did count quite a bit of it. In all the hundreds of letters he tallied, he encountered not one single letter E.

2 Replies to “Writing Complaint Letters To Corporations”

  1. O.K. being the geeky idiot that I am, I feel compelled to comment on the Grimace letter.
    I can’t believe none of the McDonalds managers knew who or what Grimace was and what his role was in MacDonaldland – I guess that’s because they are all under 20. Anyone who’s age is double that might remember who Grimace is and what his social role was in the MacDonald land.

    There was the Mayor, and the Cop, and the Fry Guys and the Hamburgler. The Hamburgler was a thief that the cop was always trying to catch, and Grimace was also a criminal, but instead of wearing a mask or stripy prison outfit, he was a naked monster. Where the hamburgler was more of a professional criminal (outfit and all), Grimace was more of a natural born criminal – like a drunken force of nature. The hamburgler’s specialty was hamburgers, and Grimace’s specialty was shakes. He was always stealing the milkshakes.

    The more disturbing question surrounding Grimace is what happened to him over the years. As a kid I distinctly remember Grimace had six arms, like a hindu god, all krisna blue and smiling as he took what he assumed to be his birthright – milkshakes. . He was a force of nature, not even seeming to understand the laws that he had broken. Then as the years went by, somehow Grimace was one of Ronald’s buddies – he was a good guy, or at least not stealing, and yes hanging out with the ‘in’ crowd. More disturbing than this 360 transformation from free spirited shake thief with no concept of law, is the fact that Grimace now only has two arms! What the hell did they do to him?

    If you can find any old advertising you will see the six arms, a shake in each hand. Now he gets no shake, and has lost some limbs. Unlike the hamburgler – they couldn’t stop Grimace with jail time. Grimace simply did not care – and that scared them – They were scared of what he represented, so they absorbed him into the good guys, they couldn’t fight him, so they made him one of them. And they cut off 4 of his arms to keep him in line and make him more acceptable to the ‘in’ crowd he now belonged to.

    Resistance is futile.

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