It Is Accomplished

Just when Albert thought he found his lost car keys, a cat landed on his keyboard. It caused a glitch, not unlike what happens when you accidentally put your hand in your pants to scratch an inch. I mean itch.

Then he looked up at what appeared to be a butterfly outside his window caught in a web. The spider considered its options and then quickly spun its web, for it saw a dumb human with a banjo tied to branches from the tree on fire. “Stupid humans,” thought the spider. “Why can’t they be more like Jody, introspective, intelligent, and Web-savvy.”

Suddenly, the spider got squished by a large flatulent llama nick named Osama, who it turns out is rather fond of Taco Bell, except for the nauseating smell.

Meanwhile, Albert finished his coffee, oblivious to the meteorite that was inching ever closer to The Joey Lawrence Educational Institute (JLEI), best known for its classes on celebrity impressions.

“Woooh!” Albert now had the runs, not unlike semi-settled Jello (yum), as he rushed to the public swimming pool by mistake. Did he remember to bring his bathing trunks? You never know about Albert. He could juggle five chainsaws, yet couldn’t even remember where he lived.JIM

Albert was a man of enormous appetites, both culinary and of collecting RuPaul trading cards, much like his friend, Jim Nabors, whom he met when he uttered, “Well Golllleeee,” on the Miramichi, where he had, after an arduous struggle, caught David Adams Richards’s grandfather’s salmon with a hook fashioned from the splintered shin bone of a screaming hairy armadillo. Nevertheless, considering how this story began, Albert felt smug, knowing that consuming 7 hamburger daiquiris daily, he would find his keys!

However, this method of madness brought on feelings of remorse and sadness. Life for him had become satiated, physically, but he was spiritually empty. Romance is what he needed. Consequently, he relieved the flatulence built up in his bagpipes. The cacophony of the shrieking shrilling didn’t help his lovesick quest.

Fortunately, Jody heard the noise sounding dull and flat. Usually fast on his feet, he fell, sprawled and simpering, unable to speak fluent Portuguese anymore.

However, not one to quit, Albert regained his composure, striving to drench suntan lotion on his bagpipes just like Mr. Potatohead did before he was broken. Wind swirled from the cryogenic greenhouse where Albert kept all of his mutant vegetables, including the green tasty ripe cucumbers.

Phillip, Jody’s genius brother, knew that keys and love were all within his grasp.

Albert was friends with both gods he believed in: Zeus and Thor, from which knowledge of lost car keys and bagpipes allowed him to live in an elegant, enlightened state, much like his friends who would hide his car keys.UNDERPANTS

“Where the hell are my rocketship underpants?” cried Phillip who lived under Albert’s kitchen sink.

“Who cares about your underwear?” replied Albert.

Indeed, who cares?


© 2007 by Steel White Table.

This story was written by Rebecca, Jody, Jim Kloss, J-Walk, Ashley, Tommyboy, Rekounas, John Donaldson, Keith, Ace, Katrina, Ken, Steve, Pom, Kevin B, Derrick Dick, Cindy, Jude Fawley, Harold Haller, V. Michael Smith and me. It began as a variation of J-Walk’s Add Four Words collaborative story. It’s impossible to write a collaborative story five words at a time without some kind of editorial control. Some jokers will jump in with inappropriate comments that have to be deleted immediately. Some comments are grammatically impossible to add to and have to be deleted. And once in a while the syntax and spelling needs to be corrected. Overall, though, and probably because it was written by a relative small group of people, I didn’t have to jump in too much. Now if I can convince J-Walk or Jimbob at Whole Wheat Radio to do a reading for us, we’ll have accomplished something indisputably great.

OOPS: I forgot to link to where it all began — Add Five Words.

Another Update: I just noticed that, including the first 5 words in the original post, the story consists of exactly 100 five-word comments.

Oh: And comments about the story can be left at the Add Five Words discussion post.

About Phillip

Phillip Cairns is a beekeeper in St. John's, Newfoundland, who writes about beekeeping at

7 Replies to “It Is Accomplished”

  1. It reads like a Mad Lib tripping on acid, but in a good way! Way to go, team!

  2. It’d be… I don’t know, interesing?… if we could get everyone to record all the words they contributed, send them in, and then I’ll edit them together and see how it sounds.

    Yeah, that’s probably bad idea.

    Or we could jack it up to add TEN words and continue the story.

    Or not.

  3. Yeah, ditto the mad lib on acid!!

    Glad to have been part of this colaboration.

  4. Jim was a good sport and actually read this horrendous mess on WWR today.

    Sorry, Jim, I promise never to put you through something like that again.