Shut The Hell Up!

Darren Barefoot writes about something else I can relate to: The Need for Religious Silence in a theatre:

If I ever owned a movie theatre, I’d run ‘silent’ performances, where it was advertised that you couldn’t talk at all. If you did, you were shot. No, actually, if you did there’d be public embarassment. I’d have an usher up in the projection booth with a powerful flashlight, and he’d spotlight you when you talked.


I normally try to sit in the middle of the theatre to get the stereophonic sound, but I always check to see who’s sitting around my potential seat, quickly judging whether they’re talkers, bathroom users, or of the restless variety:

  • Unless I’m seeing a kids’ movie, I sit away from most kids. They tend to do all of the above. I know because I have a three year old daughter; yet I love taking her to the movies because she loves it, and while I’m there she can do whatever the hell she wants. I once chased her around the perimeter of the seats while some Disney movie was playing. I think our antics drew more laughs than the movie.
  • Avoid sitting around people with buckets of popcorn and soft drinks. Many people eat loudly, and they will get up to use the bathroom.
  • Don’t sit behind tall people or people who wear hats WHICH PISSES ME OFF TO NO END. I once asked a young guy wearing a hat to remove his. A half-hour later he left the movie. I always wondered if it was due to my polite request. I know, stupid, but there ya go.
  • Don’t sit in front of anyone if possible; you never know who’s a seat pusher, or worse, kicker. I’ve found they tend to be teenagers or younger.
  • Don’t sit near obvious groups of friends consisting of four or more people. They tend to be rambunctious.

Anything else?

5 Replies to “Shut The Hell Up!”

  1. I find if I go to the theatre on my bike so I’m wearing my leather jacket, have my helmet and my gloves of bludgeoning crushingness +6, people around me are on their best behavior.

    I usually sit on one of the side rows, there are fewer people on the inside that will need to get up to piss. Well, just fewer people in general because they all jump into the middle. I also get to stick my legs out into the hall if I sit on the innermost seat by the hall, so I’m more comfortable. I don’t find I miss too much with the stereophic effect of the movie, I still hear it from the left and right, just not quite so perfectly centered, and I don’t miss it.

  2. That’s something I didn’t consider: maybe it’s my appearance that’s a factor, making people think “that wimp ain’t gonna do anything if I push on his seat, fling popcorn at him, or laugh obnoxiously at the stupidest scenes.” I should buy a leather jacket, helmet, and gloves just for going to movies.

  3. The price of a movie for a kid and two adults is about $20 bucks. That’s more then the price of a DVD. So, I figure the money I save on popcorn, pop, and other crap paid for the home theater system over the last several years. And, if it’s a good movie, you can watch it over and over.

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