Song #19: “You Must Be Born Again”

Following the tradition of good Christian mothers everywhere, my mother forced me to go to church when I was kid. I got out as soon as I was big enough to physically resist being dragged there. Years later I dug up a dusty box set of Mahalia Jackson recordings my father had ordered from Columbia House and realized I might have stuck around longer if the music I experienced in church hadn’t been so wretched and dull. I never heard anything that made me want to get up and move (more like get up and leave). Mahalia Jackson singing “In The Upper Room,” “Joshua Fit The Battle of Jericho,” “Keep Your Hand on the Plough” or “You Must Be Born Again” puts the music I heard in church to shame.

All I learned from going to church is that if we don’t sin, then Jesus died for nothing. I guess I kinda missed the boat on that one.

Jesus Wants You, Ladies

JesusJesus seeks loving woman:

Golden-haired, blue-eyed Jesus seeks loving young woman (22-30), preferably of recent Norse-Germanic heritage, who wishes to live in the spirit of the eternal.

His FAQ section is amusing:

12. Are you the Antichrist?
I certainly hope not! There are many others who are much more worthy of the title.

And he doesn’t shy away from his adversaries:

I generally ignore dead end email that offers no communication of new ideas, but sometimes I respond to the gems of hopelessness knowing that I increase the level of comedy in the whole of the cosmos.