What Are You Wearing?

Phone Sex Is Better Than Porn:

I’m not talking about the vibration setting, which is too short and wimpy to do anyone any good. I’m talking about talking. Connecting with each other. Getting kinky with devices that let you experiment with gender and species. Seducing a stranger or a spouse, although I wouldn’t suggest doing so at the same time unless you’re all three into that.
One of her favorite techniques is the erotic cliffhanger, where you figure out the maximum length allowed for a single message on your lover’s phone. Call when you know he or she can’t answer and start talking. “Go into detail,” she says, describing what you’d like to do to them, right now or tomorrow or next week, “and then at exactly the right moment — BEEEEP.”

Man, do I have an anecdote related to this:

About 15 years ago my brother and I lived in a one room basement apartment in Cote St. Luc, Quebec, a suburb of Montreal. The apartment had a kitchen the size of closet; a bathroom smaller than an outhouse; and a living room/bedroom big enough to fit a single bed, couch that folded out into a bed, a dresser, and a steel white table (no kidding).

One night the phone rang around 2am. I don’t remember who answered it, but I ended up talking to the lusty female voice wanting to know how, uh, big I was. This continued for at least a month, her calling in the early AM, sometimes talking about books and music (she was a Kate Bush fan), but eventually talking about sex. I eventually grew tired of it, which she noticed during one call (I probably said “This is boring”), and she never phoned back. I don’t remember Phillip ever talking to her, the chicken.

11 Replies to “What Are You Wearing?”

  1. I had a girlfriend, albeit living in another province, at the time (I think she was still my girlfriend then) — so I stayed away from those phone calls. However, I did eventually talk to this woman… at least twice. And, as usual, I remember more details than Jody’s provided here. But if I start writing about it, I’ll be here for another hour, and I don’t have the time right now. I’ll tell you about it tomorrow.

    I’ve told the story of this woman to some of my friends over the years, guys who think a woman, a stranger, calling you on the phone while doing things to herself is fanatasy-come-true — and it’s provided me with some of the best laughs I’ve ever had just watching the expressions on their faces. Anyway, I’ll talk about it later. (Sorry, Pender.)

  2. Frig! Tell me now!

    I wouldn’t get into it.. I’d just be like “uhhh.. I think you have the wrong number, byebye”. Cause chances are she’s 400lbs with a full beard.

  3. She wasn’t 400 lbs. She offered to meet me in park once. I think that’s around the time Jody told her to stop calling.

  4. Shit! I just wrote out the whole story and pushed some mystery button on this laptop and lost the whole thing. Shit on that!

    So this girl calls us up pleasuring herself over the phone, ready to blow when Jody says, “Hello?” Jody thinks she’s crying, as in someone who’s upset, and says, “Oh my god, are you okay?” He’s really concerned. Then she says, “Oooh, I think I’m gonna cum!” Then Jody realizes, Fawk me. 10 seconds later after she’s caught her breath, Jody says, “I think you’ve got the wrong number.” She stays on the line, though, and they talk for at least an hour, maybe two, conversations about music, Franz Kafka’s “The Castle” (I’m not kidding), etc. When he hangs up, I ask, “What the hell was that?” Then he tells me what happened. I can’t believe what he’s saying. “You mean, you got free phone sex?” Yup.

    After this, she calls every few days, usually in the evening sometime after we’ve had supper. Jody’ll pick up the phone, she’ll be going at it, Jody let’s her do her thing and then starts talking about something else. I always know it’s her (because no else calls us at this time), and so I let Jody answer it every time.

    But one night while we’re doing the dishes, the phone rings and I go to answer it, not thinking. When I pick up the phone, I hear a female voice crying, and right away I think it’s my girlfriend in Nova Scotia. She called once before crying when someone ran over her cat, so I immediately think it’s her again. It isn’t. My first reaction is the same as Jody’s: “Oh my god, what’s wrong?” Then I hear: “I’m cumming!” And I nearly have a fucking stroke. I go from deep concern to total disbelief in that split second. I can’t even talk. I pull the phone away from my head, point at it, shake the phone, still unable to talk, look at Jody who sees my expression of total disbelief, he laughs with his own expression that says, “See, I told you,” and he takes the phone. It’s the only time in my life I was physically unable to speak. It blew me away.

    She calls a couple times while Jody’s out — and I’m telling you, this was real. She was really going at it. I could hear what she was doing while she described in detail. It was pretty convincing. One time she suggested all three of us meet in a park in Montreal. My first thought was, “No away, sister,” but I did consider it for a second if not see what this person looked like from a distance; I had no intention of actually meeting her, and she didn’t know our last names.

    Eventually Jody told her he was getting bored with this and asked her to stop calling, and that was that. I know a lot of guys, though, who would have kept it going and probably would have met up with her.

    Anyway, what are the odds of getting that kind of wrong number? I’m pretty sure it’ll never happen again.

  5. geez phil I have to go to the bathroom now…do you have any kleenex…I think it is the Kafka that has put me over the edge…

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